Much of our resistance to taking charge of our lives comes from forces within ourselves. Fear, insecurity, doubt and overwhelm can really keep us rooted in place. Unfortunately, what others think and say can also have a big role in holding you back. Some people don’t like change. The people around you may prefer you stay exactly as you are for fear of rocking the boat. They might be afraid you’ll move on without them. Perhaps your success is intimidating to them. Whatever the case, you can’t change them. You can only keep moving forward and focusing on your own happiness. Follow these tips to help you avoid letting the opinions of others keep you from crafting the life of your dreams.

Know Yourself.  One of the most effective ways to combat worry over what others think is to truly take time to get to know yourself. Consider your values, priorities, interests and desires. When you know what really matters to you, it’s much easier to care less about the opinions of anyone else.

Set Boundaries.  Setting boundaries can be tough. It means actively choosing to put your needs first and not allow others to impose their will upon you. When you realize it’s okay to say no and to put yourself ahead of others’ comfort, you’ll find a freedom to pursue your own objectives. Developing the ability to set boundaries can take practice, but it’s an invaluable skill.  

Forget Embarrassment.  Embarrassment is definitely something that can hold you back from going after what you want. It’s easy to worry that others might criticize you or laugh at you. One way to combat this issue is to ask yourself if it really matters. Adding perspective to the matter can truly help you to move past embarrassment. Most of the time, what others think of us doesn’t have any real effect on our lives at all. In addition, they’re probably not paying nearly as much attention to you as you fear they might be, anyway.  (And they may even be preoccupied with their fears or self-consciousness about what other people think about them!)

Don’t Compare.  Comparison can be insidious. Feeling like you should be living up to what others are doing or achieving can definitely keep us from pursuing what we really want in life. Try not to compare your life to anyone else’s. Remember your priorities and what matters most to you. Then live your life around those things, not what anyone else is doing or what they think you should be doing.

These are just some of the ways you can begin to stop worrying about what others think and start living life on your own terms. Taking charge of your life requires a firm understanding of what you want, with less concern for the opinions of others.  But what about something that can be an even bigger roadblock than fear of others’ opinions–our own fears?  Fear is one of the biggest detractors to living your best life.

In coaching, there’s a dimension of this fear that we call our “inner critic”: that voice in our heads that sometimes whispers to us that we aren’t smart enough, strong enough, disciplined enough, etc; that we’re an imposter and everyone around us is going to realize it; that we don’t belong somewhere; or that something big and bold that we want in our life “isn’t for people like us.”  We all have an inner critic, and it can be hard to ignore that nagging voice! Often that inner critic gets its power and its fuel from our own fears. 

Being afraid holds you back from trying new things, having unique experiences, taking advantage of opportunities and leaving your comfort zone in any significant way.  I struggle with this myself, too.  One of my biggest fears is fear of failure, and there have definitely been times in my past when this fear got in the way of me reaching for my dreams and pursuing my goals.  I had to learn that not only should I not let this fear of failure hold me back, but that sometimes failure isn’t even a bad thing; it’s how we learn and grow, and it’s a part of life.  I’ve experienced first-hand that real progress only happens when you do the things you’re afraid of. Here are some reasons to move past the fear today.

Fear Is Limiting.  Fear will limit so much in your life, if you let it. Fear limits your experiences, your fun, your relationships and your potential. It can cause great distress and unhappiness, along with regret. Fear prevents growth and progress. It keeps you stuck in a rut. Basically, fear takes away your power. You put this negative emotion in charge of your decisions, rather than taking the actions you most desire in your heart.

Fear Wastes Your Energy.  Being afraid to live your life fully is a waste of both your emotional and physical energy. While it is possible for fear to give you a rush of adrenaline to push toward action, this isn’t usually the case. We tend to let our fears build up. Rather than using them as a catalyst for change, we allow our fears to stagnate and fester. Giving into the fear is mentally exhausting because it causes a battle of emotions between desire and denial. You want to step out of your comfort zone, but you fight fear to see which ends up winning. It can also be physically tiring to engage in such a battle of wills on a regular basis.

Fear Can’t Be Eliminated.  Let’s face facts, fear can’t be eliminated completely. You’ll probably always fight a battle with this powerful emotion. However, that doesn’t mean fear has to win. You absolutely can learn to manage your fears. You’re more powerful than what scares you. Think of the worst-case scenario. It’s rare that what you’re afraid of can actually physically hurt you. Therefore, it makes sense to find ways to push past the fears and go for the opportunity that awaits. If you let fear win, chances are good that you’ll only satisfy it briefly. You’ll have to deal with that fear or a related one later. Why not try to conquer it now?

Taking charge of your life requires you to also take charge of your fears. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it is possible. It’s also worth it.  

About Bucket Lists

The term “bucket list” is related to the phrase “kick the bucket,” slang for a person dying or passing away.  While there were a few examples of the term being used in years prior to this, the idea of a “bucket list” exploded into popular culture and American vocabulary thanks to the 2007 movie of the same name, in which Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson play two men who meet by chance in the hospital after both being diagnosed with terminal cancer and then embark on an epic adventure to cross items off their “bucket list” in the last months of their lives. 

Many people associate bucket lists with over-the-top kinds of wishes–things like climbing a mountain, meeting a favorite celebrity, vacationing in a dream once-in-a-lifetime destination, running a marathon, or going skydiving. However, everyone’s bucket list is unique and personal and should be meaningful to them. Your bucket list items don’t need to be extravagant or over-the-top if those kinds of dreams or activities don’t speak to you. And you definitely don’t need to be an adrenaline junkie to have a bucket list. (I’m not one–believe me, you will never find something like bungee jumping on my personal bucket list!)

Why Have One

There are lots of benefits to having a bucket list. This activity can truly be a catalyst for helping you to live a more purposeful life. Writing out your fondest desires gives your clear perspective on what’s important to you and what types of things might be worth sacrificing for. It also makes fun a priority and helps you to enjoy your life more, reminding you to move out of your comfort zone and the day-to-day grind.

One of the items that I recently checked off my bucket list–starting a business–was an idea that was 100% out of my comfort zone when I first added it after a conversation I had with an executive coach that I was working with back in 2016.  I was working full-time at one of Chicago’s leading community economic development nonprofits, growing in my career, putting some of my coaching and facilitation training into practice, and also making sure I was carving out time to spend with my family.  I had a full plate already, yet I knew that I had a passion for entrepreneurship that I wanted to nurture–sooner rather than later. 

While Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson’s characters in “The Bucket List” resolved to pursue their bucket list items after receiving devastating terminal diagnoses, in real life, we don’t have to wait until the end of our lives or until a health crisis hits to get our bucket lists down on paper, and start tackling those items–and we shouldn’t wait!  A bucket list can act as a guide or framework, as well, keeping you on track toward reaching some of your bigger goals and dreams. Checking things off your list can be satisfying and create a log of some of your most amazing life experiences.

How to Start

Starting a bucket list can seem overwhelming. It’s daunting to sit down and consider the kinds of things you’ve always wanted to do. The choices are seemingly endless! This calls for some good old-fashioned brainstorming. Ask yourself some questions to get the ideas flowing and to clarify things. Consider things you’ve always wanted to do, where you’d like to go or what you want to see. Learning and education can be bucket list inspiration. Think about things that appeal to your senses like food you’d most want to taste, types of scenic locations that appeal to you or music you’d love to hear. Use these prompts to brainstorm and keep on going until you’ve got a substantial list started. You can always add to it as new ideas come to mind.

In fact, after I checked the big “start a business” item off my bucket list, I added new items to take that one’s place. (Of course, in one sense, my business is never entirely “off” my bucket list–more like a standing item, maybe–since I have dreams and visions for how to grow it now that I’ve launched.)  At a business retreat I attended in December, one of our exercises was to make a list of 23 “Dream Big Statements,” which gave me lots of ideas for additional bucket list items I can take on over the next few years or decades.  The next thing that I want to tackle on my “personal” bucket list is to travel internationally–hopefully in the near future! This other item may take a bit longer, but one big thing on my “professional” bucket list is to publish a best-selling book.  I got a chance to dip my toe into writing and publishing recently when I was invited to write a chapter for a book called The Entrepreneurs’ Toolkit for Success (Volume 1).  Getting published for the first time was a fun experience (I like to think of it as a “mini-item” on my bucket list) and made me even more excited to author a whole book of my own someday!    

A bucket list can be inspirational. It can provide motivation for living your best life. Go ahead and get started on yours today.

Through all that time that I held on to my credentialing dream, I worried about whether and how I could make it happen.  Coaching training and credentialing requires a substantial investment of both time and money, and I often got “stuck” on these barriers–how would I make it work, financially?  How would I juggle the time required for training and documentation of coaching experience hours with my full-time day job in a gratifying-but-sometimes-demanding leadership role at one of Chicago’s leading community development organizations?  And even if I could balance work obligations and my coaching professional development, would it leave me any time for my family? 

Reflecting on all these doubts and worries now, I realize that to a large extent they all boiled down to one emotion: fear.  One of the biggest killers of dreams is fear. We often let fear keep us from dreaming or the memory of past failures hold us back from setting our sights too high. This type of limitation can become a pattern. In order to live the abundant life you desire, it’s important that you’re not afraid to dream big.  Visualizing and shifting my perspective are two tactics that have helped me push through those fears and doubts and dream big. 

Your Thoughts Are Powerful

What you think is what you become. That’s a popular saying based in reality. While it may seem like merely wishful thinking to believe you can achieve great things simply by envisioning them, there actually is some science to the matter. Visualizing what you desire in life and actually incorporating small details into this picture is quite powerful when it comes to your brain chemistry. Visualization has been shown to have an effect on neural pathways and connections.  I have a vision board that’s helped me tremendously, both with making my goals and dreams a bit more tangible and with staying on track to tackle them.  I typically first spend time really brainstorming about my goals and dreams, and then I find images that reflect those and pin them to the board.   But it doesn’t stop there.  I have my vision board in a place where I can see it regularly and I revisit it at least quarterly when I’m checking in on my goal progress and planning out my action steps.  If you repeatedly see yourself accomplishing something or obtaining your deepest desire, your brain will start to believe that thing is real. You’re more likely to act it out in your real life.

Your Perspective Changes

As you allow yourself to dream bigger, your perspective starts to change. Whereas you may have been a bit of a naysayer in the past, you now start to think more positively. That’s because your focus has changed. You no longer see things from a limited point of view. Instead, you see the big picture. You’re now able to look at life more realistically. You may have thought you were being realistic before, but what you were really doing was keeping yourself stuck. When you didn’t have dreams, your world was automatically smaller.

Now, however, you can actually see all the potential of what the world has to offer. Simply by shifting your mindset and daring to think bigger, a wealth of possibilities is now open to you. You’re no longer living in a state of lack. You’re able to actually visualize what your life could be like, and this vision provides the motivation to consider what else might truly be possible. You’re open to the idea of self-improvement in order to get to where you want to be. You’re no longer stuck in the same old rut.

Applying the “Dream Big” Mindset to your Everyday Life

Of course, we have to be real, too.  Dreams don’t magically come to fruition overnight and we still have our everyday constraints–money, time, etc.–to deal with.  A vision board isn’t going to change the fact that we need money to pay our bills, for example, but dreaming big and visualizing those dreams might help you think creatively about different ways to make that money or changes you might be able to make over time to shift your income and expense needs.  Refocusing on and visualizing my coaching-credential dream sparked me to think that maybe there were resources out there to help coaches defray the cost of training/certification, and that was the first step in my research toward eventually finding Coaching for Everyone, which helps make coaching training and certification pathways more financially accessible.  

You’ll see that lots of new opportunities can exist for you simply by dreaming. You’ll find yourself working proactively and productively toward your goals.  In fact, once I recommitted and started dreaming big about my certification journey, I found it inspired me to keep going–I couldn’t stop dreaming big and ultimately also launched and began to grow my business, Mission ENSPIRE. 

In addition, you’re likely to seek out other “dreamers-to-doers” who are making things happen in their own worlds. All of these small changes you’re making will begin to add up to big things. Just wait and see what happens when you’re not afraid to dream big.

Stop Reacting And Start Taking Action

Deciding to take charge of your own life can be a daunting task. You may not even know where to begin. You simply feel that you’ve been going with the flow for far too long. The good news is that there is no one right way to get started. The key is just to do something. Taking action of any kind will likely motivate you to take more steps toward transforming your life. Here are some suggestions to get you moving along your path.

Set Goals and Objectives

The first step to actively changing your life is to assess your current situation and then to decide where it is you’d like to go. If you’re feeling unhappy with your life as it is and that you’re not in charge of things, ask yourself some questions to determine why that is. Write down your answers and use them to spur you on toward making a plan for the future. Questions about what you truly desire, what you feel you’re missing, how you’d like to live and what’s most important to you are good ones to start with. Then just continue to build on them until you’ve formed a good foundation for your planning. Next, write out some tentative goals. Start with a long-term goal, such as where you see yourself in five years, and then break it down from there. Decide on a few short-term goals to complete over the next year that would ultimately lead you to that five-year mark. Create small tasks to help you along the way.  (Check out my April blog series for a deeper dive on setting SMART goals, maintaining motivation and accountability, and making those goals a habit for the long term.)

Make Changes

Once you have a tentative plan laid out, it’s easier to actually take some concrete action. You can now begin to make the small changes that add up to big transformation. Now is the time to begin to do things differently. Take a look at your lists of goals for inspiration. The tasks you laid out to help you reach your goals are a good place to start. Do just one thing from your list each day, and you’ll be actively making changes toward reaching your truest desires. You can look for other ways to take action, too. For example, try new things or meet new people. Anything that takes you from your comfort zone and moves you toward where you want to be is good.

Let Things (and People) Go

Finally, it’s important to note that you will probably have to let some things, and some people, go in order to reach your goals. Old habits may be keeping you stuck, so you’ll need to ditch them. Sometimes people are what’s holding you back. There are likely to be some friends and loved ones who don’t react positively to the changes you’re making in your life. Take note of such things and act on them accordingly. If you’re not ready to remove someone from your life entirely, perhaps just setting boundaries will suffice.

Keep these ideas in mind when you begin taking action toward changing your life. Remember, every little step counts. What’s important is that you just do something.

I recently recommitted to a longtime goal: becoming an ICF-credentialed coach.  ICF (the International Coaching Federation) is a membership organization for coaches and offers some of the most robust and most internationally-recognized professional credentials for coaches.  Though I’ve taken numerous coaching trainings and been a coach and trainer since 2013, I’ve always wanted to take my coaching practice and professional development to the next level by achieving the ICF credential.  In fact, it’s been a professional goal of mine for seven or eight years but something always got in the way–time, finances, procrastination, etc.–and the path seemed a little daunting (yes, even coaches struggle with self-doubt!)

Last year, I decided to recommit myself to my ICF credential goal, and decided to follow my own advice by taking it one step at a time, starting with research on additional ICF-vetted coach training programs that aligned with my values, the goals of my company Mission ENSPIRE, and my budget.  I was so fortunate to find Coaching for Everyone, an organization whose mission is to “certify the next generation of BIPOC coaches.” (Coaching for Everyone also seeks to “offer complimentary coaching and leadership support to traditionally underserved and under-resourced BIPOC populations,” which aligns with the mission of my business as well.) 

This year, I’ve set myself the goal of finalizing my training by completing and documenting the 100 hours of paid coaching experience required for the ICF credential.  I’ll admit, 100 hours sounded like a lot to me at first–especially with juggling my business, my day job in the community development industry, and my family responsibilities–but again, I’m taking it one hour at a time!  Now that I’ve recommitted to my goal, I feel more motivated to achieve it than ever, and I plan to use this Flourishing Fiercely reader community as an accountability partner–so stay tuned for updates on my progress in the coming months!